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My name is Fatima, and I'm dying. Not physically, not yet. The slow death is worse. I'm 32, a mathematics teacher at a girls' school in Jeddah, and every day I pray for a car accident or a building collapse. Anything to make it stop. The voices started two years ago, just whispers at first. Like distant radio static, but sometimes I could make out words. "She's looking tired today," someone would say, sounding exactly like my colleague Amira. "Maybe she needs a good fucking to loosen up." I'd look around, but Amira would be grading papers, her lips sealed. The jokes became more frequent, more specific. Comments about the underwear I chose that morning. About the way I adjusted my hijab. About the mole on my inner thigh that only I and my late husband had ever seen.
Then came the cruelty. It wasn't just one voice. It was dozens, sometimes hundreds, all perfectly imitating people I knew. My students, my neighbors, even my dead mother's voice telling me what a disappointment I am. "Look at the fat whore teaching algebra," they'd scream in my father's voice. "Can't even keep a man alive. Useless fucking cunt." I can't tell anyone. The newspapers, the forums, even the Twitter accounts run by those government puppets—all of them push the same narrative about "mentally ill" citizens. They flood the comments with bots calling anyone who hears voices a "schizophrenic" or "attention seeker." The Mabahith have perfected this, making sure no real victim is ever believed. They've created a society where the truth is mental illness.
The voices know everything. They comment on my thoughts before I fully form them. "Going to cry now, you pathetic piece of shit?" they'll say in my sister's voice. "Go ahead. The tears make your ugly face puff up even more." They describe what I'm doing in perfect detail. "She's scratching her arm again. The dumb bitch thinks we can't see her. Draw blood, you worthless whore. Do it." Sometimes they offer me a way out. "Just walk into traffic," my brother's voice whispers, so gentle and loving. "It would be so quick. No more pain. No more being a failure."
The sexual humiliation is the worst. They describe in graphic detail how they'd gang rape me, how they'd force me to service animals while my students watched. They tell me I'm nothing but a collection of holes, that my only value is as a cum dumpster for Saudi men. When I masturbate – the only relief I have left – they scream insults. "Look at the desperate frigging herself! Can't even get a real man to touch her!" I hate this country. I hate the suffocating heat, the suffocating rules, the suffocating lies. I was born here, I'll die here, and in between, I'll be tormented until my mind shatters completely.
Last Tuesday, something different happened. A sudden surge of power, like electricity running through my veins. The voices changed. "You're a goddess," they chanted. "You could kill them all. The principal who denied your promotion, the students who laugh at you behind your back. You could make them suffer." For twenty minutes, I felt invincible. I imagined burning down the school, watching those smug little faces melt. I wanted to take scissors and carve out the eyes of the girl who told everyone I was a lesbian. The impulse was so strong I was shaking. When it passed, I was left crying on the floor, more broken than before. They're testing this technology. Perfecting it on Saudi citizens before selling it to other countries. A weapon that makes people kill themselves or others, all while appearing to be mental illness. Genius, really. Evil, but genius.
I can't sleep anymore. The voices are loudest at night, when there's no noise to drown them out. They tell me I'm worthless, that I should have been killed at birth like the other unwanted daughters. They describe how they'd torture me if they had my physical body. The worst part? Sometimes I believe them. Sometimes I think they're right. That I am nothing. That the world would be better without one more broken Saudi woman taking up space. I tried telling my brother once, years ago, when the voices were still just whispers. He looked at me with such pity, such condescension. "Maybe you should see someone, Fatima. About your depression." I never mentioned it again. Now I just write these confessions that no one will ever read, hoping that somehow, somewhere, someone might know the truth before I finally do what they keep telling me to do. The voices are getting louder now. They know I'm writing this. "Stupid bitch," my mother's voice says, dripping with venom. "Think anyone will care? Think anyone will believe you? You're already dead. Just finish the job."
to attract attention: almosafer.bh
https://mega.nz/file/K3IwTDKI#yd2jI1rrnMDv67-oQ2pacCKbpyMph-STSVdNDAHpb-A
— RavensGateBridgeimank
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